Let’s talk about firsts.
For those of us who identify as first-generation from immigrant families, we are not completely unfamiliar to being the first of something. You may be the first in your family to graduate from college or to be financially stable. If you discovered that being on the path of being the first can come with also comes with some mental health challenges, I’m here to tell you that’s okay.
You may be the first one in your family thinking of seeking mental health support, and that’s okay.
As a therapist, sometimes I’m your best kept secret and I understand why. The idea of talking to someone outside of your family about your family is not always supported. Being the first in your family (that you know of) to seek help from a mental health professional is a huge step!
You may know this by now but speaking to a therapist is different than talking to a family member or even a friend. Therapists are trained to understand your experience in an objective manner with empathy and compassion. Your family members are seeing you out of a subjective lens which can hold high reactivity and emotion whereas reflection and processing from an objective party can be validating and supportive. Of course, your family members can be supportive of you in other ways but problem solving your issues about your family with your family can sometimes create a negative feedback loop of chaos and conflict.
Remember, you’re seeking therapy for you and not for anyone else. Therefore, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you need support outside of your family. Coping ahead with a therapist for these conversations can be helpful. Stepping into spaces where others are open to therapy and go through similar experiences with their families, such as support groups, can also be confirming that you’re taking the right steps!
You may be the first one in your family that is practicing setting boundaries, and that’s okay.
One of the most salient memories I have of setting boundaries within a culturally rooted family is when a therapist once told me, “Why don’t you just say no?”. If there was a moment to laugh out loud, this was it! It’s not that easy! How can one be expected to say no, set limits, and ask for their needs to be met if these are behaviors that haven’t been modeled by parents and caregivers?
Think of setting boundaries as levels in a video game. Sometimes you must complete level one before you move onto level two. Level one can look like identifying your values, learning communication skills, and tolerating feelings of guilt. Once you learn to stretch yourself in that space, you may feel ready to move onto testing limits by communicating your needs and managing conflict that comes up in the relationship.
Sitting with feelings of shame, guilt, and potentially being ousted by your family for setting boundaries is not easy. Learning to tolerate these emotions and commit to the practice of change when it gets hard are parts of the boundary setting process. Using the help of a therapist can aid you in building those foundational skills.
You may be the first one in your family considering taking medications for mental health, and that’s okay.
There may come a point in your mental health recovery when you need support from psychiatric medications. There are five categories of medications: antidepressants, anti-anxiety, stimulants, antipsychotic, and mood stabilizers. Okay after reading that sentence, what was your gut reaction? Was there any sort of resistance?
If you felt some sort of resistance, judgment, or shame, ask yourself this: Did you learn to solve your problems on your own? Although your parents or caregivers tried to be present in many ways, they may have fallen short in supporting you with problem solving some challenging emotional experiences. Problem solving doesn’t mean rescuing you or telling you what to do, it looks like allowing you to have an emotional reaction, soothing you and validating your feelings, and supporting you in identifying avenues of relieving the presenting problem. (Many of our immigrant parents tried to do this in the best ways they knew how and didn’t have the space, time, or support to carry out these skills so let’s hold some compassion for them).
What does all of this have to do with medications? Maybe you need more help than what you know how to ask for and the idea of something outside of your family solving a problem is unknown territory. Biological and chemical changes in your body are not factors that you can always solve on your own. Remember, medications have doses and working with a medical professional to understand your body and your needs is likely to improve the effectiveness of medication. Using the support of a therapist to navigate these conversations and having the space to ask for help and receive it can help rewire the part of you that gets your needs met!
You may be the first one in your family to be someone different, and that’s okay.
Were you the rebel child? Love being expressive? Living a nomad’s lifestyle? You may have been hit with the classic “We didn’t move to this country for you to live your life like that”. Ouch, that one hurts.
Think of yourself as a color, pick one that is bright and vibrant (even if you’re into the Earthy tones like me). Now think of the standards you were raised by as black and white. There was no space for all the color you have to offer. Black and white standards aren’t bad, but they come from a place of safety and stability – something that most immigrants strive to provide for their families. I find that for many first-generation folx, once safety and stability were established, the doors to colorful play were never opened or encouraged.
You may be experiencing a lot of push back for trying to express your true color. Whether it’s through the lifestyle you’re choosing to live, who you have sex with, or even the way you dress. That resistance for you to embrace your color and differences doesn’t always have to be external, it can also be the internal voice that’s adapted to keeping you safe. Maybe embracing your color sounds great but learning to break from the black and white is sometimes a painful process. Deeply accepting, nonjudgmental and supportive therapeutic space is a holding ground for that transformation.
Being the first at anything holds a specific type of weight that is hard to shake. As a therapist, I know that taking the first step into change and choosing yourself involves deep vulnerability and wanting to change. As someone who chose to take some of these first steps, I can tell you that it’s a journey that requires self-compassion, community, and awareness. There are spaces and folx who are ready to support you in your own journey, it may be time for you to reach out and ask for that help.
Written by Shikha Patel, MSW, LCSW, Trauma Therapist and Founder ofCollaborative InSights. Learn more about Shikha and Collaborative InSights here.
