As a mental health therapist, I hear so many people talk about how hard it is to accept their own experiences as real and valid. There’s a lot of second-guessing, self-gaslighting, and sometimes avoiding the truth of what’s really going on.
I’m not here to decide what’s “true” or “right,” but one thing I know for sure is this: when we dismiss our own experiences, we end up stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and harsh self-criticism.
So, what is validation? Simply put, it’s the process of recognizing and accepting your feelings, thoughts, or experiences as real and understandable. In therapy, we usually talk about two types of validation:
- External validation: When someone else listens to you, supports you, or acknowledges your feelings (like a friend saying, “I get it, that sounds really hard”).
- Self-validation: When you recognize and accept your own emotions and thoughts without needing someone else to confirm them.
Before we go further, let’s clear something up: validation doesn’t mean agreeing or approving. It means understanding and acknowledging. You don’t have to agree with something to recognize that the feeling behind it is real and valid.
Why Validation Matters
No matter who you are—and yes, this includes pushing back on toxic masculinity and patriarchal norms—validation is a basic human need. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Neuro Psychology emphasize that validation is important for a few key reasons:
- Emotional connection: Feeling seen and heard by others strengthens relationships.
- Self-worth: Learning to validate your own feelings builds confidence and helps you bounce back from challenges.
- Healing and growth: When you acknowledge your truth, it reduces feelings of shame and emotional shutdown.
- Brain health: Both external and self-validation calm the nervous system, which helps regulate your emotions.
The Validation Balloon Experiment
When I worked with teens teaching Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) in a hospital, one of my favorite activities was The Validation Balloon Experiment.
Here’s how it worked: We filled two balloons with water. One was frozen, and the other stayed at room temperature. The next day, we went outside, and I asked them to drop the room-temperature balloon. It burst instantly, water flying everywhere.
Then we dropped the frozen balloon. To everyone’s surprise, the balloon itself broke, but the frozen ball of ice stayed mostly intact, with just a few cracks.
What’s the lesson here?
Self-validation is the frozen ball, it’s the foundation of what we believe is true. If we are watery in our beliefs about our experiences, we let others splatter our self-concept.
How to Practice Self-Validation
When you practice self-validation, you:
- Accept your emotions as they are, without judgment or trying to push them away.
- Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer to a close friend.
- Build inner strength, especially during times when you don’t have external support.
- Handle tough emotions with more balance and calm.
Here’s how to start:
- Acknowledge your feelings:
- “It makes sense that I feel frustrated right now.”
- “I understand why I’m feeling ashamed about this situation.”
- Challenge self-criticism:
- Instead of “I shouldn’t feel this way,” try “My feelings are valid given what I’m going through.”
- Pair validation with action:
- “It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. What can I do to help myself right now?”
Breaking Down Myths About Self-Validation
Practicing self-validation can be confusing, many folks mistake self-validation as being too prideful and egotistical. And because those who consistently invalidate their experiences often dispute my plea to practice self-validation, I’m completely prepared to challenge the harmful misconceptions that society has helped us to believe:
Myth 1: Self-validation is selfish or indulgent.
Truth: Self-validation isn’t about making excuses or letting yourself off the hook. It’s about recognizing your emotions, so you don’t get stuck in shame. This helps you take responsibility for your actions in a calm and proactive way.
Myth 2: Self-validation means agreeing with everything you think or feel.
Truth: You can acknowledge that your emotions are real without believing every thought tied to them is true. For example, “I feel unworthy” doesn’t mean it’s true but it recognizes that the emotion exists and needs support.
Myth 3: Focusing on emotions makes things worse.
Truth: Suppressing feelings usually backfires and makes them even harder to deal with. When you validate your emotions, you’re giving them space to move through you, which makes them less intense over time.
Myth 4: Needing validation is a weakness.
Truth: Practicing self-validation takes strength. It builds emotional resilience and helps you stand on your own while still leaving room for connection with others.
How Therapy Helps with Self-Validation
Therapeutic space between licensed clinical therapists and folks who have struggled with trauma, depression, anxiety and other mood disorders is key for learning and developing self-validation. While it’s not the most comfortable coping skill to develop, I can attest to it being incredibly supportive to changing an inner dialogue of shame, criticism, and self-denial.
In therapy, we model validation by affirming your feelings and helping you build trust in your own inner voice. Over time, you’ll develop self-validation strategies that work for you, which can lead to long-term emotional strength and healing.
A Gentle Reminder
If you’re still with me, let me leave you with one last encouragement: practicing self-validation is a form of compassion. When we consider our human experience, it’s filled with pain, love, trauma, connection, and so much more. By validating your own journey, you’re choosing kindness, mindfulness, and acceptance—one step at a time.
Written by Shikha Patel, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Trauma and Ecotherapist at Collaborative InSights, Therapy & Consultation.